Relating To People

Two things I am trying to "get right" or figure out, perhaps. I'm trying to figure out how it works out in real life and not just as a philosophy:

FIRST THING. Try not to interpret the motives of other people. Sometimes the motive seems SO glaring. But I should be really sure before I pin a conclusion on an interpretation. I find the more I hold my interpretations loosely, the better. I can't help it--I tend to interpret or think beyond people's actions--especially when there's a history involved or a pattern that's in place. But I have to know where to put my assumptions because if I assume too much. . .well, you know how that saying goes!

SECOND THING. Do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

Now that second one. That's a hard one. Have you ever been annoyed or hurt by someone and then you realized you had been that someone to someone else? It's so easy to shore up bitterness for someone until you realize someone is probably shoring it up towards you as well. All the things you are mad about in that other person are likely things you have done, on some level, in some form, to someone else. We are rarely able to rise to the level of our own standards. Imagine if we lived up to the standards we set for other people! What a specimen of perfection we would be. Being thin-skinned is a tough way to live. Walking around wounded and offended. Nursing an injury, stroking an offense. We live that way and we end up self-consumed, first of all. But second of all, we end up forgetting how to love. Because love has to forget itself in a way. Love has to reach. And so while we're not supposed to be that easily offended person, that person who tallies the wrongs and thinks in a "tit for tat" approach---we're also supposed to treat other people in a way that considers them and, in a sense, tries not to break them. It felt like double talk to me at first. But I guess it's just how we love them like we love ourselves. Our delicate little selves. We simply say to another, "I'm going to be so interested in loving you because I'm quite interested in loving myself. See how much I care for myself. See how much I protect my ego. See how carefully I handle my own faults. I mean, I'm quite hard on myself. I'm a perfectionist who nitpicks myself and finds a way to criticize even the good stuff in me. BUT after all is said and done, I am still centered on myself quite a bit. I take care not to embarrass myself or starve myself or disrupt my comforts too easily. I'll do that for you, too. I'll cut you that same slack."

Ouch!

And here are the best tests I've found for whether I can really do unto others:

The FIRST TEST: What happens to me when someone says no to me?  Can I allow them that freedom to say no or yes or can I just not handle it? Am I so needy that I must be told yes often and always. A "no" can come in many forms. It may not be the word "no." It may just be that they are not giving me something that I think they should. Or they are not doing something according to my standards. If I'm honest with myself, I'll realize I'm holding them to an expectation and if they don't meet it, I'm annoyed, hurt, sad, mad, whatever. I can't let them be a free person. I have to take the "no" personally. Or maybe they tell me no and I complain about it over and over and over again. I am constantly lamenting that which I am deprived of. Well, then I'm definitely not doing unto them the way I'd have them do unto me.

THE SECOND TEST: What happens when God gives someone something I wanted for myself? Do I rejoice with them? Or do I minimize their joy? It takes different muscles to grieve with someone than to rejoice with someone. You have to summon a different part of your soul. How hard it is to be excited for them when it has nothing to do with us! Did they go on vacation and have FUN without US?! Well then. Or worse--what if they are given a joy that we have not yet been given, but we really wanted. I'm not talking about jealousy. I'm talking envy--the poison that kills connections. So jealousy is when you want something someone else has. Ah, what a beautiful house! I want one, too! But envy.  Envy is when you want what they have AND you really wish they didn't have it for themselves. You know like, "Ah, she is so beautiful! And I'm just a Regular Joe over here. So I think I'll find something wrong with her. I will dismiss her beauty and focus on her imperfections. She should be taken down a notch." OR, "Is her kid excelling at something? Whoa. I can't handle that because my own kid is not excelling at that. So I will not affirm that kid."

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less." 

CS Lewis