Mean Girls

I read a blog recently about mean girls and it reminded me I wrote a post referencing Mean Girls (the movie) a few months ago. I often write posts and save them as drafts until I proofread again. And again. Anyway here goes.

Have you seen the movie Mean Girls? It's one of my favorites. Sadly, though, it's the first time in my life that I realized someone could actually give you a compliment and not mean it at all. Girls can lie for no apparent reason! Did you know? The cliche says, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." To a paranoid person like me, that translates, "Hey, they didn't say anything affirming. I guess that's because they had only something negative to say!" Sigh. But it has never occurred to me that a girl would say something nice and in fact mean the opposite. There's a scene in the movie where one of the cool girls (Regina) says to Cady, "I love your bracelet! Where did you get it?" And then Cady later learns that Regina is the type of girl who will compliment something she explicitly hates.

What? I wish I could take a poll and find out if this is really something people do in real life.

While I don't get that particular tactic, I am guilty of other ones.
Passive aggressive. Indirect communication. Mind games.
Insecurity, hurt feelings, being offended, trying to control (usually without making it obvious that control is the goal).  The lying about a compliment - that one, I do not understand at all.

Why do I bring this up? For starters, I heard someone mention more than once (in that half joking, half serious tone) about not wanting to be friends with so-and-so because of a particular positive quality they had. It took me aback. In my mind, I said, "Wait, say that again. Someone has a positive quality so they get excluded?" Insecurity is scary business. Lord, help us be the kind of girls that praise another girl for a quality she has. Even if it's a quality we don't have. Even if it's a quality we wish we had.

Is envy one of the seven deadly sins?

The second reason I bring this up is because I found an old email (really old) when I was cleaning out my inbox (something I rarely do and that's why there are 1200+ messages in my inbox). The email involved a friendship conflict. That friend and I truly worked through that sticky spot and we've both grown.  In fact, she's one of my most trustworthy, reliant friends and I respect her a lot. I have some incredible women in my life. They love me with my quirks and all. I can't imagine where I would be if they were in the "mean girl" category. I know I have not always deserved their kindness.

I've learned that girls can be mean at age 70 or at age 23. It doesn't matter.  As we age, meanness just takes on a more sophisticated shape. I can remember in junior high thinking to myself, "When I'm 30, I won't struggle with stage fright anymore. 30 is old. That's too old to have this issue." Well, not so. You can be 30 and your knees can still knock during your solo and you can be 30 and still be manipulative or passive aggressive. Sin cannot be outgrown.

It was an unfortunate, but helpful discovery when I realized the more you start to think about a particular character quality you dislike in people, the more you will start to see it in your own self. The blinders come off. Conversely, now that I'm better able to spot some of this junk in myself, I'm more able to tolerate it in others. I've slacked up. But it still stings. And it still makes you wonder why girls can be the meanest to other girls. Shouldn't we be each other's biggest advocates?

Part of me thinks having a son will bring the toughest challenges and biggest barriers. But I'm so thankful that I have a husband. I'm so thankful that some of those talks will not involve me at all! That I can say, "C asked about this today and I said: This question belongs to Daddy!" But what about my daughter? There's going to be special ways that I will be there for her. There's going to be those talks we have. Someone will hurt her feelings. She will hurt someone else's feelings. Oh, those days. May they be laced with the Lord and security in His word. For her sake and for mine. And may I never, ever, ever be the mean girl in her life.