"What is the sign of a friend? Is it that he tells you his secret sorrows? No, it is that he tells you his secret joys. Many people will confide their secret sorrows to you, but the final mark of intimacy is when they share their secret joys with you."
from Research Digest, the British Psychological Society:
"There's a caveat. When you share your good news, the amplification of your joy isn't guaranteed. The friend, relative or partner who hears your good news has an important part to play. Ideally, we need them to respond in what the researchers call an "active-constructive" style. . .This actually fits with past research showing that the way friends and family respond to positive events in our lives is a more reliable predictor of the future health of that relationship than the way they respond to our negative news. You may have experienced this yourself - the particular hurt that can come from a close friend or relation being entirely unmoved by good news that meant so much to you."
Now let's talk about these ideas as they relate to emails and texts.
Here are my own personal life lessons in motion.
1. I'm still realizing that digital communication with Gen Xers and Baby Boomers can be tough. In fact, I've considered ceasing altogether and waiting until I see them face to face to communicate much of anything. Josh says there may be a mentality among older people that digital communication is not a valid form of communication. I think that might be what's at the core of the wrinkle here. If I text someone, I feel like I have to come remotely close to a personal connection. But other people may look at texting as an illegitimate communication style. That's why, for example, some of your Gen X and Baby Boomer sanguine texters/emailers have 6,000 words and expressions for you in real life, but over text they are limited to 5 words or less. They're the one to whom you text, "I'm pregnant and it's quintuplets. We can't believe it! We're completely shocked!" And they say, "Interesting." Major inequitable distribution of the texting goods going on there. But if you said all that in real life, they'd hug you, wear a giant smile, big eyes, and start talking baby names.
SIDE NOTE: Sometimes it's not a digital matter at all. Sometimes it's just people's personalities coming through and that same person would be produced whether digitally or face to face.
3. Communicating digitally with 20 somethings is different from the rest, in my experience. When I text my 25 year old sis-in-law, I feel like she's right in front of me. Connection made. When I text certain friends and family members (some my own age and some older), I'm often feeling as distanced as the moon from the sun. Connection lost. If I see them in person, the story is altogether different (usually). Connection made. I walk away thinking, "Is this the same person I just talked to over email?" I had this happen with a customer once. She was as bubbly and perky as a lark when I finally met her. But in our email exchange about cookie designs, pricing, and order pickups, I got sentence fragments, short snippets, and sometimes no reply at all. She was late 30s or early 40s.
4. Sharing in someone's joy can be harder than sharing in their sorrows and the expression of joy and sorrow is a delicate digital matter. What's more, misery loves company, but someone's joy may trigger your pain. The mark of a really awesome friend is the one who can get excited with you, even if it has nothing to do with them and doesn't benefit them at all. Now just to be clear: I imagine if I were a millionaire and one day I got a raise, I wouldn't share my news with my middle class friend. That'd be insensitive. But what if I got a new haircut and wanted to text a photo to a friend and all they say is, "Neat." Or worse, "Getting a haircut is great experience. I bet you had a great time." Avoiding an assessment of your hair altogether. What you're looking for is an assessment right? Looks cute. Great style. Anything, people. Throw us a bone. But then you find out later they just found 50 gray hairs on their head and have been depressed about it for days. It's harder to rejoice with someone's fun hair when your own hair is singing, "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." That's understandable.
5. The Baby Boomers probably have grandchildren by now. They need to connect digitally or they may risk no connection at all. So many of them re-train themselves. Some learn to adapt. They realize America itself has gone digital so they hop on board, rather than digging their heels into the phone jack. My parents took classes at the Apple Store so they'd become more digitally savvy. But the 30 somethings and 40 somethings may not have a pressing need to immerse in the digital age quite yet. (of course, all these categories overlap because there are plenty of 30 somethings who are well-versed digitally and also have Baby Boomer parents. There are also 20 somethings with Baby Boomer parents.)
6. Things my skin had to thicken toward when it comes to digital communication: No reply, a curt reply, or a reply that makes you feel like you aren't talking to the same personality you know in real life. This may sound really silly, but for a quality time oriented person and a person who loves words and language, I've had to talk myself out of a lot of silliness. "Look Lee, don't be too ridiculous. It's just an email. It's just a text. Just remember when you see them in real life, they'll be different. The End." And I say, "Thank you, self, for reminding me of that."
7. I've always had a heart for youth. Middle schoolers and high schoolers. When I was in my very early twenties, I worked as a summer intern with youth and I continue to have a heart for people in this age bracket. My nephew is now 13 and I enjoy his company. I sometimes feel like I have an easier time talking to youth than to adults. That's either because I'm perpetually immature or . . Well, I don't know. But that age bracket is made up of some people who knew what an iPhone was when they were barely pubescent. However, I'm pretty sure if I texted people in this age bracket, I'd be completely lost. I know IDK and LOL and a few other things. But beyond that, I'm ignorant.
8. My near-pathological tendency to read in between the lines is not often helped by digital communication. So I may need to choose carefully what I share digitally and with whom I share it. After all, most stuff is better left for a face to face reunion anyway.
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