Love and Living On An Island

I think I'd be a better Christian if I lived on an island. You know, with only those people who bring out the best in me and only those whom I love the most and feel the most affection for. What if I lived on an island with only the safe people in my life. It would be a small community, for sure. But it would never push me into that hardest, ugliest place. You know the place I mean. The place where everything in you--your affections, your rationale, your will--all of it says, "This person is difficult. This person does not help me to be the sanctified Christian I'd like to be. In fact, I hate who I am around this person. This person pushes me up against my flesh and shows me who I am deep, deep down. This person forces me to ask myself if it is at all possible to love a neighbor as you love yourself. I simply cannot feel warm and fuzzy toward this person. I don't even sometimes know how to be in their presence. I need God to love this person through me. There is no other way to do it."

Of course I'm not saying the safe people can't sanctify us too and push us into hard place. But it's different. My own husband and kids will reveal to me my sin and my disobedient heart and my ulterior motives. Every human has the capacity to push you to the limit of your own love and get you to say, "Wow, my human love is not enough. I need Agape. I must die to myself or else question my faith altogether." But when your husband and your kids are your "safe places," the process of sanctification is very different. You can talk openly with your husband. You know he's in this for the long haul. You know what God says about marriage. Sure, you hurt each other sometimes and sometimes you get insecure or sometimes you are just plain angry. Sure you know each other's shortcomings and sins in a way no one else does or can. Sure with intimacy comes vulnerability and wow, it's scary sometimes. But you are working within the covenant. You are 100% confident that this relationship is meant to grow and meant to progress and meant to be about greater greater intimacy. I always know no matter what, I am meant to be in fellowship with my husband. In fact, I know I should be doubting my very trust in God if I'm willing to get complacent about my marriage. I know I am meant to keep communication lines open with my husband and my children, not harboring stuff, and not being content with superficiality and ignoring the weeds. I know I'm not supposed to be saying "Peace, peace" when there is no peace.

But what about other people. What about the people you aren't supposed to go deeper with. What about relationships that are meant to remain at a distance. You put your happy face on and you know in fact that to get too deep, to be too close, to say too much would in fact be unhealthy. Yet you are meant to share life together on some level. You know this. I tend to be either/or. But life is messier than that. That's why wisdom is greater than knowledge. Wisdom needs the Holy Spirit to work. It's not as simple as "Hey you aren't meant to be a close companion so I'll cut you out altogether." Wisdom is more than formulas and blanket statements. Wisdom seeks to navigate the waters with those that you are meant to share life with, but that you must set clear boundaries with. These are the people who will hurt your feelings. They will be passive aggressive with you. They will misunderstand you. They will assume. They won't consider that they may not have all the facts. They will have expectations and sometimes help you feel guilty even when there is no guilt. They will make you realize you are more capable of resentment than you thought possible. But you don't get the benefit of "working through it" or talking it out. It just doesn't work that way. Yet they are in your life for the long haul.

I've decided in the end, it is not just necessary, but good to have these kind of people in your life. These are the people that keep me from being puffed up. I don't stand a chance of considering myself naturally patient, naturally pure hearted. I've got this handful of people to keep me with my face pushed toward the ground in prayer saying, "Dear God teach me how to love. These people sometimes feel like enemies, but never in the obvious ways. Christian relationships are too sophisticated for that. Everything is under the table, indirect, not too loud or blatant. It makes it even harder. But these are the people who will keep me from assuming I have Agape. These people show me that Agape is God Himself. GOD IS LOVE. And I am too far away to know such love unless I die to myself so that He can enter into me and love through me. That's the only road that works. And it's a very good one."

So to anyone who reads this and is frustrated by someone or a few someones you know and the relationship is a tough one. It gets inside your head. You have trouble guarding your heart and taking thoughts captive. You know you are meant to share life on some level with this person. You know in real life you can't simply cut out the people who don't rub you the right way. But I've learned this if anything---these people are the opportunities we need. Without them, our souls may never get the pruning we really need. So go ahead. Set the boundaries. It's okay to remain at a healthy distance. Not everyone can be considered a close companion. But everyone CAN be loved (love is more than syrupy sweetness, sentimentality, warm feelings, or even southern hospitality and saying "bless their heart."). Yes indeed. Everyone can be loved. And it can cover a multitude of sins. My sins. Their sins. That's all I really know for sure.