For the first time in three babies I can name the date of the end of the nursing chapter. I usually know the month, but this time I know the day. I weaned E on April 7. I had been wondering if it was time. He was starting to seem like he could do without it. And I was dealing with some hormonal health issues that I thought would be helped by weaning. So I took a friend's advice and just tried to end the nursing relationship cold turkey. . .just to see. We were down to one feeding a day anyway. The bedtime feeding. So at bedtime on April 7, I read a few books to that sweet little boy. I held him close. Josh came in and we said the thing we say to every child, every night, and have been doing it since the beginning: Mommy loves you, Daddy loves, GOD loves you. The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace forever. Amen.
After we said all this we put him in his crib and said goodnight. It went so smoothly and so easily. He didn't protest at all. And that's when I knew I had officially weaned. That's when I knew my nursing days were over and who knows, they may be over forever. I don't really like to say, "I'm done having babies" because it sounds too pushy I guess. I can say what my plans are, but we all know what God says about human plans, and predicting your future. So I guess I should say we don't plan to add on at this point.
It's a very strange feeling. It's also strange when you realize you have devoted 61 months of your parenting life to nursing relationships. 15 months with C, 22 with A, and 24 with E. Yes I do feel a sense of accomplishment. That's okay right? And as I look back on those 61 months, you know what? No regrets. Not a one. This was one area that I felt like I could give 100% to. This was one thing that always made sense to me. This was something that seemed like a good idea, no matter which angle I looked at it from. I didn't think breastmilk was some sort of magic potion that would keep my child from getting sick. I didn't think nursing would turn me into my skinny self again (although it did the first time, but has yet to do that the third time!). I didn't think nursing was anything magical necessarily. I just always saw it as nature's way I guess. It seems to be one of the most innate things ever. It never occurred to me to work though my options I guess. Anyway it cost more $ to do it another way and it's not as convenient. If something appeals to my "path of least resistance" side then I'm pretty much sold! Plus I could get my babies back to sleep quickly with nursing. It was a quick fix in the middle of the night. It was always a great short-term solution even though, in the long run, it was a solution that meant they didn't sleep through the night for awhile.
I did get the occasional comment of course. Some people either think nursing is weird altogether, or they think it's weird past the six month mark. So you can imagine their looks when they heard I went past the first year and beyond.
Motherhood is a tough job. There are so many gray areas. There are so many things that I don't know if I'm doing well or right. But this was just one thing. One thing that made sense. One thing that worked, even when it wasn't "working." And by that I mean, even when I knew sometimes it was nursing that was to blame for my woes, I still saw it as the best bet. Nursing meant sleeping less and being clung to a little more than usual. Nursing meant more giving of myself- literally- for the sake of another. But even on the days where (in my emotions) I was wishing the season were over, I was (at the deeper level) not ready to end it. As long as nursing was something that my baby seemed dependent on, it just never felt right to end the relationship. And now here I am with 5 years of nursing throughout 8 years of parenting. It's a good feeling. It's a strange feeling. And it took 4 days before it hit me that it was over. On April 7 I weaned. On the following Monday I wept. And wept some more. Like I haven't wept in a very long time. Like the kind of weeping you do after you give birth and postpartum hormones are at work. Oh those hormones! They are to blame for so much. Yet even without them, we know we're soft. We know we're tender in a whole new way.
Motherhood. It's always changing. It's always redirecting me. Yet it's the most constant thing in the world! Love and blessings. Every single day.
No comments:
Post a Comment